The Midlife Crisis Affair: Why She’s Not the Real Issue
Don’t Let the Affair Distract You from What Really Matters
I know how much it hurts. The betrayal, the lies, the devastation of realizing your husband isn’t the man you thought he was. The affair feels like the biggest, most painful part of this midlife crisis. And it makes perfect sense that your mind fixates on her—the affair partner.
Who is she? Why her? How could he throw away over 20 years of marriage and your family for that?
But here’s the hard truth: she’s not the problem.
I know you want to make her the villain in the story, but she’s just a symptom. A side effect. A temporary escape from the storm raging inside of him. She is nothing more than a shiny new toy. Yes he may be with her a few years but it won’t last. It’s not love. It’s limerence, it’s infatuation. You can’t build a relationship on a rocky foundation. You and your husband have years together. Those memories are priceless. They are like gold in the bank. They will count later when he figures it all out. But right now he’s in a bad place. His negative thoughts about himself are in charge. He has low self esteem. He’s using his survival brain to make him feel better. He’s acting on what feels good in the moment. She’s in the moment. She’s handy, she’s available. And in most cases she is manipulating him. She’s only in it for her. But she is not the problem.
The Affair Is Not the Crisis
One of the biggest mistakes I see women make when their husbands are in midlife crisis is making the affair the focus—as if she is the reason their husband has changed, pulled away, or become unrecognizable.
But midlife crisis isn’t about the affair.
The affair is just one reckless decision in a series of many, fueled by his own internal chaos. If it weren’t her, it would likely be someone else—or something else- drugs, alcohol, gambling or maybe he’s doing all of it. But the affair isn’t the disease, it’s just the fever that lets you know something deeper is wrong.
And the more time you spend obsessing over her, the less time you spend focusing on you.
Where Your Focus Goes, Your Energy Flows
I get it. The anger, the pain, the humiliation of knowing your husband chose someone else can consume you. The need to understand why can keep you trapped in an endless cycle of overthinking, searching, comparing. She is nothing like you. Not at all. And she’s definitely not a replacement for you. All she is, is a distraction from his midlife crisis. That’s it. An external solution to an internal problem.
But the more energy you pour into dissecting the details of the affair, researching infidelity, the less energy you have for your healing, your self-care, and your strength.
You can’t control her.
You can’t control him.
But you can control you.
And that’s where your power is.
I’m not saying to ignore the pain. I’m not saying what he did is okay. He broke vows. He hurt you deeply. That’s real. That’s valid. But obsessing over her—what she looks like, what she has, why he’s with her—does absolutely nothing to help you move forward.
Shift the Focus Back to YOU
Instead of spending another hour spiraling through social media, trying to piece together who she is and what she has that you don’t… ask yourself:
🔥 What do I need right now?
🔥 How can I take care of myself today?
🔥 What will bring me peace in this moment?
Because at the end of the day, she doesn’t matter. Not at all. Don’t give her any oxygen.
She’s not the reason he’s going through this. She’s not the one who needs your time, your thoughts, or your energy.
You do.
You are the one who needs love, care, and attention right now.
So take a deep breath. Step back from the noise. And start shifting your focus back to the one person you can truly take care of: YOU.
That’s where your healing begins. 💜