Surviving Your Husband’s Midlife Crisis: Learning the Art of Letting Go

One of the hardest things to do for the left behind spouse is to learn the art of letting go, yet it is essential if you want to survive his crisis. (The left behind spouse - that’s us if our husband is in midlife crisis- not my favorite term but that’s what it’s called unfortunately.) You can’t control your spouse’s behavior, you can only control your behavior. It’s so hard to watch your husband go through this crazy time of midlife crisis and not be able to help him. But he doesn’t want your help. And if you’re needy and clingy, you’ll just push him further away.

Letting go doesn’t mean you aren’t standing for your marriage. Letting go doesn’t mean you don’t love him. You do. You don’t let go to “punish him.” You let go for you, for your own mental health. It’s important to take yourself out of the drama of the crisis. You can’t worry what he is doing and who he is doing it with. You have to drop the “emotional rope,” you have between the two of you. Trust that the love you have created in this long marriage will carry you through the crisis. Those are a lot of years of trusting each other, so you have to trust and have faith that those years will carry you through this.

Letting go means - you don’t call, text or visit him unless it’s absolutely necessary for financial reasons, kids, emergencies etc. You train and manage your mind not to think about him. You stop depending on him for emotional support. You rely instead on your friends, family and your midlife crisis coach. You don’t chase him. He doesn’t want you right now. This will change later but for now, you have to let him go. Now if he reaches out to you, that’s different. You respond in a calm and kind way but you do not allow yourself to be sucked into the drama. There are specific techniques to use to help you manage your mind and build back the connection. But in the beginning especially, you let go, live your life as best as you are able -without him. This is a time for you to discover yourself. Find new passions. Discover new hobbies. Work on yourself.

Ironically I really learned the art of letting go because of a situation that did not involve my husband. A few years ago my parents decided to “hunker” down and stay - like a lot of others during Hurricane Ian. I could do nothing about their decision -absolutely nothing. When the hurricane hit, I didn’t hear from them for 3 days. 3 days! No word, nothing. I had to trust that they were ok -because there was nothing I could do. I had no control over the situation whatsoever. I remember thinking, “I just have to let go and trust that things will be ok.” And they were. It was then, that I truly learned what “letting go” meant and I put it to practice with my husband’s crisis. But just because I learned it, doesn’t mean I’m always good at it - I have my moments.

And believe me, letting go is the hardest thing you have to do in your husband’s midlife crisis, but it’s critical and the earlier in the crisis you learn to let go, the better your life will start to be. I wish I would have done it sooner. It does get easier the more you let go and just live your life. But if you don’t learn to let go, it could cause dire consequences for you. I personally know stories of left behind spouses who didn’t learn to let go and became suicidal. You can’t let his midlife crisis take you down. Don’t give him that power. Furthermore these attempts do not bring your husband home, they just make his midlife crisis even worse. And I get it - you are totally devastated. He has been your best friend for all of these years. It feels like he is doing it to you, but he’s really doing it to himself. It’s not about you. It has nothing to do with you. And I know, seeing posts on social media can really rip your world apart. It did mine. The man you have spent your adult life with suddenly doesn’t want to have anything to do with you. He doesn’t want to be around you anymore. He’s now posting pictures of his new friends partying or participating in activities he never did before. He may be even doing crazy things like taking up gambling, drinking excessively, or doing drugs. He may be traveling to fun places you have always wanted to go but you didn’t because he couldn’t never take time off. Or he’s posting about going to concerts with the affair partner, concerts that you would have loved to attend, but he would never dream of spending that much on a ticket before. Or you find out he is decorating the family Christmas tree with your kids and her - the affair partner. If you focus all of your attention on that, it will drive you insane. Those thoughts will lead you down a negative spiral. You have to put all of that completely out of your mind.

You can’t get sucked into this drama, you have to let go and compartmentalize your thoughts and feelings for the time being and not care. I know you are mad, hurt and scared. That’s normal. That’s ok. You might be thinking, “Who is this heck is this new person? This is not my husband. He’s acting like a teenager and running away from his family,” but all you can do is sit back and watch with “fascination and curiosity”. I’m sure those aren’t the words you were expecting me to use, but you have to look down on this situation with fascination and curiosity.

Because really this midlife crisis is fascinating. I’ve said this many times to my friends. “It’s so fascinating, I just wish it weren’t MY life.” What the mind does during this time is so interesting. You have to “look down” on the situation and not be in it. Rise above. Don’t allow yourself to get sucked into the drama. This drama is all part of the midlife crisis but let him be in it, not you. You know this is not your husband right now, people don’t suddenly change their behavior “overnight”. This is the midlife crisis husband, not the man you fell in love with. This mlc man is not happy. He’s looking for external solutions to an internal problem. He’s not happy with himself and he’s blaming it on you. But again, you can’t help him right now solve that internal problem of unhappiness. He has to figure it out for himself. You have to let him go - for now.

Heart’s Blessings has a wonderful article on the subject. She talks about “knowing” you love him but not “feeling” it right now. You put your love, “on an emotional shelf,” for the time being.

You won’t have to let go forever. This midlife crisis doesn’t last forever, it just feels like it. Many husbands do return home, but sadly those aren’t the ones you hear about because hardly anyone talks about when they come home. You don’t hear about that. You only hear about the divorces, not the reconnecting or the remarrying. We only hear about it from what the media portrays - affairs with younger women and new cars. Unless you’ve been exposed to it personally, you have no idea. Midlife crisis hits us like an emotional bomb. Out of the blue. It destroys our world and our family’s world. It affects everything and everyone in your life. Which is why I feel so passionate about talking and educating people about this subject. I want to help other women get through this horrible time in their lives without losing their mind. We live in a throw away society, one that doesn’t value long term marriage. Everyone just wants you to “move on” and find a new husband. Commitment is easy when you first make it, but it’s the living into it that is hard. Standing for your marriage is not for everyone, and despite what people think, it’s so much harder than walking away. But in order to stand fully for your marriage, you have to learn to let go.

So let go.

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