Who Is On Your Support Team?
It is so important to have a great support team when you are going through your husband’s midlife crisis. People who are there for you when you’re down, someone to go out to lunch/dinner with, someone to spend the lonely holidays with, someone to call or text in the middle of the night when you can’t sleep, someone to share your pain. I can’t stress this enough - you need people!
However, the people on your support team might be a little different from who you think should be on there. One would think your best friends, your parents, your family, your neighbors would all jump up and support you. But midlife crisis is crazy. It’s almost like a disease - your married friends think it may be contagious, and no one wants to talk about it with you in a rational way. People are not open to trying to understand about mlc and the common response is, “You should divorce his a$$!” -which is so not helpful! No one says, “Hey, I think it’s great you’re sticking up for your marriage.” Nope. You hardly ever hear that.
Neighbors and Friends: It’s so hard to tell anyone that your husband of over 20 years has decided to move out especially to your neighbors and friends. There is so much shame around your failed marriage, a marriage that you want to fix and repair but your husband has no interest in doing that whatsoever at the time.
And when you do finally get up the nerve to tell them, (because they wonder where his car has been the last few months or why you haven’t gotten together) the reactions are often not what you would expect. When I finally told my neighbors, they were so shocked, especially the men. They quickly unfriended him on social media. That’s not the support I was looking for. The women want to know all of the “dirt,” and the details - “Is he with someone? I thought he was talking to her too much”, etc. They quickly create their own stories and want to bad mouth him. Again, not the support I was seeking. For so long I defended him, “He’s going through a rough time, he’s lost, he’ll figure it out.” But eventually I found it’s just best not to say anything. People who are not going through this will never understand. The people you thought who were on your team -even your good friends, often suddenly disappear, nowhere to be found. They don’t like seeing you in pain and if you’re not willing “divorce his a$$,” immediately, they don’t stick around. I know I’m repeating that phrase but I have heard it a thousand times, and it hurts. This is someone you love and care about, no matter what he has done, you still don’t like to hear them say bad things about him.
Your Family: Family can be different though. They will follow your lead. So if you’re trying to be understanding of what he’s going through and you explain about midlife crisis, they see it and eventually start to understand. While it requires a lot of work on your part, it’s so worth it for you and your kids. You don’t want to hear your parents or relatives bad mouthing your husband -even if he is posting pictures doing activities with someone else. Contrary to what people think, it doesn’t make you happy to hear them bashing him. The more compassion you have for your husband, the more your family treats him with compassion as well. But you may have to say something in the beginning like, “You may not like that I’m standing for my marriage, but I am. I know you have your thoughts and opinions but I would greatly appreciate it if you wouldn’t bad mouth him in front of me or our kids. It’s just not helpful to anyone.”
Your In laws: Your in-laws can be a great support if you let them. For some it can take some convincing if they blame you or if the mlc husband has said nasty things about you. I’ve had clients who tell me their in-laws suddenly don’t want to have anything to do with them now - even though they are so mad at their son. Remember, they are stuck in the middle and don’t know what to do. It’s understandable, it’s their son. They are trying to show support for him even if they are so angry. However once you let them know that you are family forever, and that you want to have a separate relationship with them not connected to your husband, they see the value in keeping the relationship - especially for the grandkids. So attend all the family events and make those memories with your kids. Chances are high that he’s not attending them anyway.
If you don’t lead the way in being compassionate and understanding of what he’s going through, things can turn nasty very quickly. I’ve seen parents of left behind spouses who are so angry with their son-in-law and won’t speak to him ever again. I have friends whose kids won’t do anything with their dad because they are so upset with him. There are some kids who enjoy spending time with their dad but are very reluctant to do anything with the affair partner. They feel like they are hurting their mom. Often the kids give in though eventually if they want to continue to have a relationship with their dad, but it is hard on them, especially the older adult kids.
Your New MLC Friends: These new friends (you can find them in our private Standing Spouses group) or other online groups. These are women going through the same thing you are going through - which makes them the perfect friends for you right now. They can be so helpful and empowering. (Be careful however, some of the mlc groups can be very negative and if all it is is a male bashing group, “he did this, he did that”, etc, that doesn’t help you either). You need women on your team who are supportive, positive and will help you get through this, not drag you down. These friends are your life line. They get it. They will be your friends for life. These are often the ones you can text/call in the middle of the night when you’re so upset and just need a shoulder to cry on. In our group we have women who are further along in the journey whose husbands are finally home. They are wonderful mentors and provide valuable support.
Get a midlife crisis coach: Seriously. I would never have survived the initial affair partner phase without mine - Laurie, The Wife Expert. She was amazing. Her videos really hit home with how I felt at the time. That became my weekly Friday night routine for a time, watching her videos. Her stories of husbands coming home and her advice on how to deal with your husband while you are going through the MLC were absolutely amazing. It’s so important to be coached by people who have been through it and understand what’s going on.
Laurie is the reason I decided to become a coach and create my own program, Resilient Hearts (openings in January 2025, get on my list). I want to help women like me standing for their marriage while creating our best life. When you are looking for a coach, be picky. Not everyone is right for you. There is no one “size” fits all. I ended up trying a few other programs before I found my best fit. A combination approach helped me. I learned the foundation of midlife crisis from Hearts Blessings, how to deal with my husband from Laurie, how to control the anxiety and fear and manage my mind from Cookie (my weight loss coach- of all people - she had a fantastic method), and I’m putting it all together in one program just for you! Get yourself a coach, it doesn’t have to be me, but get one!
There is no one exact way to get through this mlc, however you are the one who is in charge. You can be bitter, pissed off and mad or you can dig deep and try to find some compassion and understanding about what midlife crisis really is. You have to let go and get your ego out of the way - because it’s really not about you. Cultivate and nourish all the positive relationships you can during this time and watch them grow and you too will grow from this experience.
So who is on your support team? Tell us in our private group.