8 Myths of Midlife Crisis
When you hear “midlife crisis,” what comes to mind? Flashy cars, a wild affair with a younger woman, maybe? That’s what most people think when they hear the term. I was on a plane recently working on my book about midlife crisis when the lady next to me asked what I was working on. Kind of sorry I told her. LOL! It was a 2 1/2 hour plane ride and her only knowledge of mlc seemed to be this stereotype. Thus the reason for writing this blog post on the “8 Myths of Midlife Crisis.” But here’s the thing, a real midlife crisis goes much deeper than that. Sure, some people may make what seem like sudden, impulsive decisions, but at its core, a midlife crisis is often a big emotional and psychological struggle.
And here’s something most people don’t know - many people in midlife crisis don’t even realize they are in one. They are feeling unsettled, dissatisfied, restless and usually don’t even have a clue why. They just know they are unhappy. For the standing spouse witnessing these changes, this can be so confusing and painful. And the myths we’ve been fed about what a midlife crisis is? They only make things harder. While we are learning to understand what’s going on with our husbands, others rely on these “8 Myths of Midlife Crisis.” for their definition.
The truth is that midlife crisis is not just about men. It doesn’t happen overnight (although to the standing spouse it seems that way at first) and it’s not an excuse for bad behavior (even if the movies love to portray that part). And here’s a big one - a midlife crisis doesn’t mean the marriage is over. Actually a lot of couples make it through and come out even stronger. People even get divorced and remarry their spouses later when they come out of the crisis. You just don’t always hear about these stories as they aren’t shared publicly.
So I’m here to clear up some of these myths about midlife crises. I believe people need more information about this subject. My passion is to help my clients and others have a more realistic picture of what is actually going on with MCL other than these 8 myths.
So here they are:
Myth #1: “A midlife crisis is just about flashy new cars and affairs.”
This is the classic image, the sports car, the fancy new wardrobe, the affair. This is the eptiome of what people think when they hear “midlife crisis.”
Reality: Yes those things might happen but those are the surface symptoms that you see. A midlife crisis goes much deeper than the symptoms. Midlife crisis can stem from regret, unfulfilled dreams, feeling lost, feeling disconnected, feeling like their life is almost over and they need to make the most of it. These “flashy” actions are usually just an external response to some very real, internal struggles.
Myth #2: “A midlife crisis only happens to men.”
When people picture midlife crisis, they may picture a man in his 50’s driving a red Porsche along an ocean highway with a younger “hot” blonde. That’s what the media loves to portray.
Reality: Women can also go through midlife challenges. They both face big identity questions, a sense of lost of purpose (empty nest or otherwise), a dissatisfaction with life. It doesn’t look the same for everyone, but the struggle definitely can happen to both. You just hear about men in midlife crisis more often.
Myth #3: “Midlife crises are just an excuse for bad behavior.”
This is the one I hear about all of the time when I tell people what I do - coach wives going through their husband’s midlife crisis. This one makes me mad.
Reality: In reality, a midlife crisis is not about that at all - the actions are mere symptoms. People in mlc are going through deep internal struggles. MLC is a time for self-reflection and confusion, it’s not just a reason for reckless decisions. Yes, the behavior can be very hard to witness especially for the standing spouse, the kids and the rest of the family including the parents of the person in mlc. But there is so much going on that others do not see. It’s a mental breakdown of sorts. They are trying on different personalities. One day he may act like the man you married and the devoted father, and the next, he is off on a wild vacation with the affair partner wearing fancy new clothes and spending lots of money. But the truth is, he can be both at the same time. He compartmentalizes his “two” lives - the husband you know vs this “mlc” man. So sometimes he may seem like himself and other times he is this other “mlc” guy.
Myth #4: “A midlife crisis means the marriage is over.”
This is a tough one, but a midlife crisis doesn’t have to mean the marriage is over. When the standing spouse understands what their partner is going through and can hold space, work on themselves, and create their own happiness during this time, there’s a good chance the marriage can survive. But it requires understanding what the crisis is truly about, setting aside personal ego, and living life independently while the partner is in crisis. Many times, the person in midlife crisis will push for divorce, believing it will solve their internal struggles. But divorce is “just a piece of paper” and doesn’t address the deeper issues. In fact, many divorced couples eventually remarry once the crisis is over. But again, these are the stories you never hear about - unless you are digging for them, like I have done. They are out there, just no one wants to talk about them.
Myth #5: “A midlife crisis only happens around age 40-50”
We tend to associate them during this age but..
Reality: A midlife crisis can occur outside of these ages. I have clients whose spouses are in their late 30’s. Everyone’s timing is different. I also know of one that occurred in his 70’s.
Myth #6: “A midlife crisis happens suddenly.”
It can appear to the standing spouse as sudden and that is one of the hallmarks, especially to outsiders.
Reality: In reality most of them do develop gradually you just don’t see it at first. There are subtle changes in mood and behavior over time. But there can often be a trigger - a death of a parent, good friend, a job change or some other major event that finally pushes things to a breaking point. But in hindsight, the standing spouse can often see where things started to change slowly especially when looking at family pictures or remembering trips they took together where things were starting to change.
Myth #7: “ If my husband/wife is in a midlife crisis, it’s because he’s unhappy with me and it’s all my fault.”
This is the biggest myth we as standing spouses need to let go of. This is not our fault. You couldn’t have stopped this freight train.
Reality: This myth is what I really strive to help my clients with. The midlife crisis is not the fault of the standing spouse. While it would have been great if they could have noticed the subtle signs of their spouse in crisis earlier, the midlife crisis is most often not about the relationship. It’s about the person’s inner conflict. It’s about their dissatisfaction and regret in life. It often comes from their own life experiences, their childhoods, their traumas not dealt with, not from the relationship. Unfortunately when the spouse in crisis is feeling lost, and unhappy, they often do not know why and so they place blame on external things (like the partner and the marriage) before realizing it’s an internal struggle.
Myth #8: “Once the crisis is over, everything goes back to normal.”
Well that would be nice, but it’s not quite that simple.
Reality: Many times when the person comes out of the crisis, they “come out of the fog,” or “wake up”and finds they blew up their life, their marriage and their family. If the spouse did not stand and filed for divorce, the mlcer may have huge regrets. If the spouse did stand, when the person in crisis comes home there is usually a big adjustment period as both partners grow and adapt. Through this process, they can build a stronger, renewed relationship, each bringing newfound strengths and happiness to create a new, fulfilling marriage.
What about your thoughts? Did I bust any of these myths for you? Let me know!
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