Midlife Crisis:The Pressure to Provide and the Inability to Feel
One of the biggest topics that often comes up with Midlife Crisis is that the husband feels this enormous pressure to provide for his wife and his family. I know for a fact that I didn’t realize how much pressure this truly was on my husband. He never complained about it -at all. Of course there were times when work was stressful, but that seemed to be about work, not about his responsibility. He never acted resentful for being the main provider. In fact it was quite the opposite. He acted proud. He was my rock, he always knew what to do, he always took care of everything without complaining. And I realize now, I took all of this for granted. I had no idea how much the pressure of that responsibility was for him and how much pressure society puts on him about being a provider as well.
There is an excellent book called, “Male Midlife Crisis: Why It Causes Men to Destroy Their Families, Finances and Even Commit Suicide, and What You Should Do,” by Kara Oh. I wish I would have found it sooner in my journey. But I wasn’t looking for “midlife crisis,” I was looking for “what’s wrong with my husband,” “male depression,” and eventually, “saving your marriage,” - when I realized he wasn’t happy with me and our life together. The reason you don’t hear much about midlife crisis is the very fact that they can’t talk about it - and especially with you. “Because men suffer in silence, (even if they knew what was going on they wouldn’t dare talk about it,) no one knows much about it.” And they can’t talk about it with you because you see them as “the rock, the one who protects you from everything.” And this is also the reason you can’t be the one to help them. They don’t want to show this vulnerable side to you. When they do return home to the family, everything is hush, hush to the outside world, like the crisis never existed. You only hear about what the media portrays about midlife crisis -the stereo types -the cars, the affairs and the ones who blow up their life and get divorced, hate their ex. Not what the crisis really is about. And definitely not the success stories -the men returning home, the divorced remarrying their spouses to grow into long marriages celebrating their 75th anniversaries. Nope, you don’t hear those stories until you dig in and really talk to people. And shockingly enough- you may find those stories in your own families, if you ask.
Kara Oh says, “Because boys have been programmed to grow up to be strong, unemotional men, they begin a path toward midlife crisis when they are babies.” She goes on to talk about their programming from infants to adulthood and their emotions -their inability to “feel”. It really is an insightful book. If you are looking for the “why” of midlife crisis - this is an excellent place to start.
This pressure to be strong includes the expectation to "not show emotion," which can lead to an inability to express emotions later in life. Since men are taught from an early age that expressing emotions—except for love and anger—is unacceptable ("Boys don't cry"), they often struggle to process their feelings and end up repressing them throughout their lives. This coping mechanism may work for a long time—until it doesn't.
I could quote this book all day because I really do feel that the author has a true grasp of what’s going on with midlife crisis. “He’s at a stage in his life that he wants more emotional closeness, more emotional connection, but doesn’t know how to get it or even that is what’s missing.” I know my husband was looking for that closeness but I couldn’t understand at the time what it was that he wanted because I had always felt that intimacy and vulnerability with him -so I didn’t understand why he didn’t feel that with me.
Also I couldn’t understand why he was so dissatisfied with his life. I felt like we had everything. We had a wonderful marriage (or so I thought). We had a beautiful family. Our kids were becoming productive young adults. He had a fantastic career and we were well on our way to a great retirement. We had a beautiful dream house that we built together -so I just didn’t understand why he was so dissatisfied. Why now? Especially when it seemed we had it all together.
She says, “He doesn’t realize that what is meaningful is not the achievements or the failures, but the closeness with the people he cares about; in particular, true intimacy with you. Of course, he would never be able to articulate that.” Men often think if they get the job, the money, the girl, the house, the family, the car, then they will be happy. But true happiness lies within you. It’s about you creating your own happiness. It’s about strengthening your connection with those you love. It’s not about the external things at all.
One of the best lines in the book that helped me better understand midlife crisis and hit me hard, “But he doesn’t know what to do because he doesn’t understand that his feelings of dissatisfaction aren’t about you, they’re about his inability to feel. So too often, he assumes that he doesn’t love his wife any longer and starts to pursue his need for love elsewhere.” He’s looking for a solution to make him feel better. He thinks getting away from you is the answer and for a time it may seem to be. Moving out, getting a girlfriend, taking up new hobbies, finding new friends, even getting divorced, are all great distractions and work for a while to take away the pain of disconnection but eventually the emptiness sets in again. You can’t run away from yourself. Because really what he is looking for is connection with you and meaning in his life. And that isn’t found “elsewhere.” The emptiness and disconnection will go away when he is able to acknowledge and express all of these emotions to himself as well as to the people he loves - connecting with and appreciating the love of his family again.
So what can you do? Well this is the hardest part. You can’t help him directly. You can “stand” for your marriage. You can support him and love him unconditionally - but from a distance. You can work on yourself to become a better person. You can make sure you take care of your own happiness by finding and doing the things you love. You can’t control him. You can’t take his behavior and actions personally. This midlife crisis is not about you. It never has been. Letting go, and getting your ego out of the equation are two of the hardest things to do but if you want your marriage and your relationship to survive that’s what you have to do. Managing your expectations, your thoughts and your emotions are the keys to surviving this crisis. Just know you are not alone. Many have gone through this. Many marriages have survived, many have divorced and remarried their spouses. Midlife crisis is a process and a journey. Don’t do it by yourself. Support makes everything better. I can help you get through this because I understand what you are going through and how no one “gets it,'“ and why you still willing to fight for your marriage despite all of this.