Worrying and the What If’s of a Standing Spouse
After Bomb Drop, my mind went crazy with the “What If’s”?
What if he moved out?
What if we get divorced?
What if I am all alone?
What if I can’t get a job?
What if I don’t have health insurance?
The list goes on and on. I basically worried myself to death in the beginning. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep with all the worrying that went on. Is this you? Are you worrying yourself to death right now? Are you so scared you can’t even move or think about anything else? When you read those, “What If’s,” how does that make you feel? Terrified? Reading those questions still gives me a gut punch. I’ve so been there.
But it’s ok. I’m doing great now. It gets better. But it’s a process. And it takes a lot of managing your mind.
So how can we worry less?
Worrying is always about the future. Stay focused in the now, in the present. That will help you get out of the worry space. Focus on that fact that you have probably always had what you needed and that right now in this moment you have enough.
Right now in this moment do you..
Have a place to live?
Have food?
Have a little money - at least enough to eat?
It starts with appreciating the little things. Be grateful for what you have right now, in this exact moment. As André Dubus points out, “It’s not hard to live through a day if you can live through a moment. What creates despair is the imagination, which pretends there is a future and insists on predicting millions of moments, thousands of days, and so drains you that you cannot live the moment at hand.” Just live right now in the moment. Don’t concern yourself with the future. Stay focused on today.
We let our imagination go wild with all of the “What If’s.” But here’s a thought, can the “What If’s be positive?” Our “What If’s” usually tend to be on the negative side.
But have you ever thought….
“What if we stay married?
What if he comes home after this midlife crisis?
What if we get through this? Won’t this be the love of a lifetime?
Notice how your feelings change when you read these positive “What If’s,” in comparison to the negative “What If’s,” at the top of the page.
What else can we do?
Be aware of your thoughts - We have over 60,000 thoughts running through our brain a day. And 80% of them are usually negative. It takes a lot to manage our brain. So the next time you have a negative “What If” thought, notice it and turn it around. We have a choice in what we think. Thinking causes our feelings. So be careful and pay attention to what you are thinking. They are just thoughts, it doesn’t mean they are true. We don’t have to believe them.
Focus on gratitude - There is a fantastic book called, “Attitudes of Gratitude” by M.J. Ryan. Whenever I feel stuck or can’t get rid of the worrying, I just open it up and start reading. It doesn’t matter where in the book. I find that book grounds me, makes me come back to the present - where I need to be.
Tell your brain, “Noted” - When that worry thought comes up again, tell your survival brain, “Ok brain, I’ve got it, your concern is noted, so now let’s move on.”
Join our private community. You can bring all of your worries there and we’ll help you sort them out. Being with others who are in this situation really helps you survive all of this. Come join us!
( FYI: I do receive a small commission if you purchase the book on Amazon.)